Mother

Mother

I can’t deal with this pain I feel
I don’t want you in my life
I’d rater live my life alone
Than deal with your stress
I’m tired of the sickness
I’m tired of walking on eggshells
Since I was a child, I’ve kept one eye open
Waiting, waiting, waiting
Praying that tonight would not be that night
When your cold maternal hands wrap around me as I sleep
When I no longer have a single breath
Then you look at me as I gasp for air
With smiles and then with tears
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” is all you say
As if that heals my wounds

My feet are bruised and bloody
I can walk here no more
The ground around all you touch decays
In your quest for gold
As a child I’ve needed you
But now I have grown old

Goodbye my mother
I want to say I am sorry
But I never will be
The bad outweighs the good
I want to sleep and rest in peace
Safely in safety
If you love me as you say you do
Then leave my side
Leave me and never look my way again

Halloween and the tall (man?)

This has been a very difficult month for us, Eric died, Ty was sick and we've both been jobless. Charlie is getting his old job back and I have more interviews lined up this week.

Here was my update..

Here was the party..

Here was what happened later that night. I'm still trying to process what happened...

life update

Ty is ok

He is fine, it turns out doctors are stupid. It is the flu.

Tyler

We woke up this morning to Ty vomiting with a fever. The fever started at 101. but escilated within about 30 minutes to 105.0, he is in the E.R. now, they ruled out cold and flu, they think it might be an infection of his heart. More details to come.

Jared

He moved back in with his real mom a few days ago, at my request. Now he is talking smack about me. You give give give and all they do is take take take. It makes me sad to think that I took him in when he had nowhere to go, fed him, gave him a peaceful place to stay, even bought him cell phone minutes yet this is how people repay you? Is it a teenager thing to have no gratatude?

I'm probably not supposed to telling you this, but...

Eric is no longer missing, his friends and family that saw him within the last weeks leading up to his disappearance need to contact the Chicago office of the FBI. His body was found Last Wednesday, I don’t know all the details as of yet. It has not been released but the agent asked me a lot of questions this morning. If anyone knows anything please contact me or call them directly. Private message me for their number. Also if you have seen his wife or children, please let them know. They are unreachable aparently.

R.I.P Eric Ickis

Wow!!

What a day, getting ready for a job interview in the morning, but first...someone from the FBI called me, I have a meeting with an agent at 8:30 in the morning. No idea why...totally freaked out!

Job interview on Tuesday

Well the Children's Academy took down their website now, it is official that they are closed now. Why are they closed? I have no idea. Nobody is telling me anything except that DCFS is doing some kind of investigation. At least I am not in trouble or anything, but I wonder what happened. Whatever happened didn't happen on a day I was working, so that is a relief.

Anywho these last 21 days of me being at home have been hell. With no money coming in and me being home all day, all I do is get in the way and tensions have been high. If I have to watch to Yo-Gaba-Gaby one more day, I'll throw the TV! I Love my family but I NEED a job and school to keep my mind occupied. I'm not happy unless I have all fields of my life full: family, job, school, and nice house....etc. It has been wonderful to finally catch on housework, Charlie is a good daddy but not so much a housekeeper.

 I have an interview to La-Petite on tuesday and I am super excited! I know I'll get it, I'm a qualified and expereinced teacher who would be an asset to any company. Why do I still feel so much doubt?

Answering a question about Tyler's reaction to the masked man.

Thank you for asking, I am a pretty open person and apreciate your concern for my family's safety. Ty is actually adopted but related to us. My cousin gave him up 3 years ago and we took him in as our own. She has visits but he doesn't know yet. I love him as a son just the same.
Right now we are telling him it was a neighbor pranking us and trying out his Halloween costume. I am assuming that is the case. We live in an ever more currupt neighborhood. Gangs are coming into the country from the cities. Since the introduction of the GDs and LatinKings into our town, we've had someone steal our car stereo, steal money from our cars, a busted garage door, someone left used condoms in our camper and now this masked prank that has been continuing for over a week now. He didn't just come to the porch, hes been peeking into Ty's window at night.
It makes me sad. As worrisome as the masked man is, right now my concern is more for this imaginary friend that seems to be influencing Tyler to do bad things. I've had to issue more time outs for bad behavior and lying in the past two weeks than he has had in his entire life. Ty keeps blaming the deaths of neighborhood animals on this ToneKaCocoa and says that this imaginry cat makes him hit the pets and sneak out of the yard. I don't like it one bit. We're taking him to a doctor next week to get him some help. Mental illness runs in my family and I'm worried he might be showing signs of schitsophrenia at a young age. Imgainary friends are not supposed to be violent unless something else is wrong. Imaginary friends are normal except when they involve voilent behavior.
The masked man doesn't scare him as far as I know. He thinks he has made a new friend. I don' t like it, I can't stand people that try to scare little kids.

Faith in Humanity

Someone please restore my faith in humanity. I feel myself slipping more and more into becoming that cranky old person I swore I would never me. That woman who clutches her purse with an iron grip out in public, the same one who locks the doors and rolls up the windows, perhaps the one that waits on the porch with a shot gun. I told myself I would be caring and kind, but I feel myself growing colder and colder as time goes on. Is there good in the world? Is there selflessness? We teach it to our children, yet the world is so dark. It almost makes you wonder why we go on living?

Jared’s mother took him back today at my request. She is staying in a house with a friend of hers. Jared has gotten on my last nerve! I took him into our home under certain conditions, he was to work on improving his life. He was to help around the house and occasionally babysit Ty. Unfortunately he hasn’t studied for his GED, gotten a job, and has done nothing but sit around and text people on his cell phone. He avoids Ty like the plauge and hides in his little cave whenever possible.

I tried for a while with him, but I can’t do it anymore! I can’t have him here lying and hanging out with criminals, not with Ty in the house. When he left with a complete stranger that he met online, I couldn’t sleep that night. I wasn’t even within my legal bounds yet to call the police. What if he would have been killed? raped? kidnapped? I can’t do that, I can’t take it emotionally. Luckily the papers hadn’t have gone through yet so all I had to do was call his mother up and tell her to pick up her son.

Why do I always think things are going to be different when we let someone stay with us? It always ends up the same, getting screwed over. Is it possible I’ve found the only good people in the world and there is no hope for any other goodness? Less than a dozen good people? What happens when they die? I’ve been thinking about that a lot…everyday I feel deeper and deeper depressed. My job is over, I’m trying to find work, money is tight, people always dissapoint me….often times I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have a family to keep me stable? Would have I done myself in long ago?

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My nephew did this for a competition but I listen to it everyday. It explains exactly how I feel right now about my husband. I couldn’t imagine life without him.

Halloween Costume

This is my costume for Halloween this year, my mother got it for me. I can't wait until our Halloween Party!

Here is my costume

"Grandma"

We found my mother finally, shes had been in the psych ward once again. Now she is moving back to the Embassy Care Center in Wilmington. So Ty is happy to see her, she is staying with us for three days while the nursing home paperwork goes through. Her contact with Ty is very limited, she made a deal that she could spend the night but she has to go somewhere to occupy herself for the majority of the day. Perhaps that may sound cruel but she isn't the best influence on him. Whenever she is around, he stops listening to us and starts only listening to her.

 Shes back on her meds and doing alright. Since I've recently been "laid" off from work, her little bit on income ($20 a day) that she gives us to spend the night, is mighty helpful. Unless charlie's new job starts him, we're scraping by to make it. For those of you that don't know my family, my mom's name is Ruth. She has a severe mental illness (and some medical problems as well), it started right after I was born. Its like post-partom(sp?) depression which triggered schizophrenia mixed with bi-polar disorder. It is speculated to have some kind of genetic component, but it has never been medically confirmed. I do not have the schizophrenia just plain old anxiety and depression problems.
She has been in and out of mental hospitals and nursing homes my entire life. Actually both of my parents suffer from mental illness, growing up was quite tough and my sister and I had to stay at a lot of different places because both parents were in and out of mental hospitals, nursing homes and psychwards. My father, hes passed on, was severely depressed at many points of his life.

Don and Ruth - Lynn's Parents

My mother's immediate family- 9 girls and one boy, Ruth is in the navy blue shirt next to the woman with a white bow.

My parent's wedding day at the courthouse.

My mother and my older sister Ruthie, while my mother was pregnant with me.

Mom, Lynn and Ruthie

Ruth and John, my mother's boyfriend. They met and live together in a nursing home. He has a developmental delay but is a nice man.  

Yup, I knew it.

Ok, Tristan you owe me two weeks worth of brownies..lol! His boyfriend was married and has a warrent for arrest. Ms. Lynn is on the nose, once again!

Jared is headed home

Hes being driven home in a rented Lincoln Towncar. I am so jealous and suspicious! WTF is going on? What the hell is his boyfriend doing to get that kind of money? Jared said this guy is some computer expert but do they really make this kind of money? WTF is going on? This is redicious!
How is it that we live here in this house, I haven't had a new pair of glasses in years, we might lose our electricity soon yet Jared is on this amazing date! I don't like this one friggen bit! He didn't come home last night, aparently they were "too tired to drive home" even though it was a rented limo, and they spent the night in a hotel. Something is very wrong with this situation.

Math Test

So I am super exhausted. I waited up until 2Am for Jared but he never came home last night. None-the-less it is shower time. I have to go to JJC to take a math test today. I hope my brain functions enough today to do this. I am super tired!

Jared is on a date.....

So Jared met his internet boyfriend for the first time last night, aparently this date was super amazing! The guy picked him up in a limo, took him to dinner, dancing bowling, a movie and a carnival. Jared is 17 and turns 18 in December. The DCFS temporary guardianship process has not yet finalized, so I really don't have much say in what Jared does. But this guy picked him up yesterday at noon and Jared hasn't been back since. Should I be concerned? Maybe it is just because my life has been so hard, but whenever things seem too good to be true, they usually are. For a person to throw around this much cash, it makes me think there is some alterior motives involved.

Tristan thinks I am just bitter from experiences I've had in my life. i.e. Aunt killing sister while sister slept, mother having skitso-affective bipolar disorder (or however it is spelled), and being hurt a long time ago when I was a little girl. He says that not everyone is "bad people", but I think inside, we all have some darkness. Nothing is free in this world. If I am the "good person", daycare teacher who sticks by the book and has a moral code...and I see this giant pit of darkness in myself. If I am the 'good guy' and I think and feel the things I think and feel...then I could only imagine how much darker other people are on the inside. If it wasn't for my family that keeps me grounded, I could only imagine what I would do.

Ok, so Jared didn't come home last night which is a first. He took these pictures of his date last night and uploaded them onto his facebook using his cell phone. Weirdly enough there isn't any pictures of him or his boyfriend. Should I be concerned? I pulled this crap as a teenager, but he normally doesn't. What does a rich mid 20's guy want with a poor 17yr old? Do I really seem that bitter and paranoid? Does anyone else think serial killer or drug dealer at this situation?

Jared

Jared

Jared is 17 and he is staying with us for a while. I grew up with his family but him and his mother had a falling out. So now we are in the process of temporary gaurdianship of him. It really is a pain in the butt. Jared is a good kid, he doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. He keeps to himself and is on his cell phone constantly. Jared wants to be an interior designer and has a boyfriend. He loves to take pictures but doesn't like to be filmed on video. He is self concious about being on video.

Jared and the pets

He is helpful and considerate and I am so thankful to have him in our life. He loves chocolate milk and Kat-Tony (our cat) likes him so much more than me.

Even though he is basically an adult, I always see him as the 11 year old little boy   I used to play PS2 games with (I was 17yrs old). His family stayed with us for a few months while they were struggling and he was like my little buddy. We would always cook together and do exercize videos together.

Lynn at Sophmore Homecoming: I am the girl with the liberty spikes.

This was before I got pregnant and stopped caring about my weight. Man, I wish I looked like that again! I was hot as hell!!

His family fell on hard times a few years ago, they were living in a motel in a bad city and he wanted out. So now he is "bored in the country". It was for the best anyways since he came out of the closet to his family a few months after he moved in with us. We are pretty open minded about that sort of thing as long as he is safe and not sleeping around.

Tucker - Our Neighbor

Tucker

Tucker is my neighbor, He has been my neighbor throughout my entire life. He lives right next door to mine. His family was friends with my father. Tucker is 19 but for a very long time, he was always a little kid to me. When I was little my older sister, Ruthie used to babysit for his family. When I was 11, I took over for my sister. (for like 1 day). This kid used to love the Movie 'Mars Attacks' and when I babysat him, he wanted to watch it over and over again. Then later that night, I went to the bathroom and he found a lighter and lit the back of the couch on fire. I was soooo pissed!! We waited at the same bus stop everyday (when I lived with my father) until I turned 16 and got my licence. He played house together as kids and he had a crush on my sister. Ruthie was always the pretty one.

Haylee

When he was about 14 and I was 19, I had a best friend named Haylee. I went to school with her older sister, Tiff. Haylee was 15 at the time. I still see her every once in a great while. Anyways, I introduced the two at a party I had thrown and they "hooked up". Little did anyone know at the time but he lost his virginity that night. Tucker and her dated for a few days, I was a little ticked at them both for treating sex so lightly. I guess it is not my life. Tucker is a good guy but he hangs out with some shady people. He has a good heart but he is the first person I ask when something criminal is going on in town.

Joe

Also, this is Joe, he is the jerk that asked for a pack of ciggarettes and said that he would pay me back the next day and never did. It may have been 3 years ago but I'm still very mad about it! He also left his two dogs to roam the streets while his family moved to Florida for a while. My uncle George took the dogs in and now they are little morbidly obese dogs. He aparently moved back to Wilmington recently, so if you see him tell him I hate him very much. A pack of ciggarettes back would be great...although I'm hoping to quit smoking sometime this week.

I visited Tucker Today

I asked Tucker, my next door neighbor about it today. He says he wasn't the one trying to scare Ty and I actually halfway believe him. He told me that he never broke into my camper and left used condoms everywhere. Unfortunately he also said that if he'd realized it was an option, he would have done it long ago. Of course he said he would have cleaned up after himself, so he said. WTF? That is so not the point.

Yes, it is very irritating for someone to break in and have sex in my property, but it is freakin sick to leave someone else with the mess. Isn't that like a weird sex thing that some people have? Like a messed up fetish? Fun is fun and marriages need to be lively, but property damage and tresspassing is still tresspassing.

I think people forget that I am not my father. I don't like it when people randomly drop by and do whatever the hell they want. My father has been dead for about a year and a half now and his friends still think they can walk around my yard whenever they feel. I do my best to put a stop to it, but I can only do so much. One day there will be a beautiful privacy fence all around my yard with a locked gate. Those fancy kind with the remote that opens when you press it. Charlie calls me paranoid, but I think it makes sense. Theft is one of my biggest pet peeves.

Anyways, he said he didn't do it and I believe him. He said there is a guy that might have some information about it, but it requires money and grossness. NO THANK YOU! I'm not going to be paying some drug dealer or gang member to tell me a bunch of shit that will undoubtedly get me burgled later. WTF happened to this town. All of these farm boys that think they are gangsta because they watch MTV rap crap can go sod off!

Your family raised livestock, stop being a dumbass wanna be gansta. I mean really?

There was a masked man in our front lawn.

Ok, so I am getting increasingly more irritated at these pranksters messing around our house. This has got to stop. There was a masked man in are yard a few days ago who did nothing but stand there and act creepy. Whoever this was has some money because that mask is definately expensive. It was something like you'd see on Doctor Who. Almost reminded me of the Silence or The Gentlemen from Buffy. yes we are geeks, get over it. I bet that mask was either stolen from a rich person or the money to buy it was bought with stolen goods. Nobody around here has that kind of money to spend.

I leave the room for a second and Ty talks to him? He should know better than that. I taught him better than that. Stranger Danger is definately going to be reviewed upon now.

 I am so sick of these teenagers thinking they are all "thugs". What the hell happened to this town? We used to be the kind of neighborhood where doors and cars went unlocked. People used to leave their cars running while they went to SuperValue or the DollarStore, now its like one of those major cities where you can't even look others in the eyes.

GODDD!! It ticks me off. I think it is one of the neighbors, some of them have fallen into bad crowds. All of these friggen druggies acting like they are all tough. People need to leave us the hell alone.

Where do Babies come from?

Recently he keeps saying that he is a robot. Leave it to a little redhead to put a twist on "where do babies come from"... he asked me tonight "how did u and daddy build me?"...Hahahha ummmm....

Park Photos

We went to Godly the other day and saw the animals at the petting zoo. We had so much fun and he got to feed cucumbers to the deer.

Charlie and I

Charlie and I grew up together, it was like destiny. His mother used to babysit me as a child. They moved away little did I know he was my neighbor when I was in third grade. As a child, I had difficulty making friends. I am a tad socially akward. I befriended his dog as a child. I was that little neighbor girl that would always come into your yard and play with your dogs. I used to let his puppy Skylar out every day to come play with me. I used to feed it leftovers whenever I'd come to visit. Whenever anyone came out from his house, I'd run away real fast. I had no idea it was him. I found out later the dog was on a special diet and they gave it away because it was always throwing up. When I was fourteen, my cousin introduced us at a dungeons and dragons party. We became best friends ever since. We didn't know until we eventually started dating that we had met several times before. His mother told us about it.

 We've been together ever since. Charlie enlisted in the army. We were saving up to get married and move in together. When he was away for those months of training, I went through a severe depression and we broke up for several months until he came back. He injured his knees after a year of being in the army and was discharged from the army.

We were married on June 3, 2006 at a local church in our town. We were pregnant about two months after we wed, unfortunately we lost our first child Gabriel or Gabby September 13, 2006. Luckily God gave us another chance.  

And happenings allowed us to take in a wonderful teenager, named Jared as our own.

We've been together ever since. Through thick and thin, sickness and health, we've been so in love. Of course we are not the perfect couple, we work at keeping our relationship strong, but it is so worth it! Then years we've been together. We've been together since I was in 8th grade. I love you bunny kitty!

Eric's disappearance

So if you follow my Vlogs youtube.com/wildshadows57 , you'll notice that our friend Eric went missing. He aparently got into some kind of argument with his wife and just walked out on 9/24/11. Nobody knows where he is. His wife claims that he is at his mothers house, although when I called the police to do a wellness check, he was no where to be found. She never even planned to file a missing persons report for him, even after three days of him being missing. So I tried to file one. I filed a report, but when the cops talked to her, she retracted it. She says hes there but I'm uncertain if she is telling the truth. I private messaged his friends on Facebook and aparently I was the only person she told that he was missing. I have no idea what is going on. Is this some kind of blow off to me? Is something being hidden from me? I feel like such an outsider in this situation. I think something is being hidden from me, but I don't know exactly what? It is quite far to take a blow-off, if that is what it is. I mean, he is a friend of ours and I'm not going to just let him go missing without doing something. RIGHT? What would you do?

My Job

I put in my resignation at my job last week. My last day is Friday. The enrollment was too low and my hours kept getting cut. So now I will be taking care of children at my home for a while. I also decided to take a chance at one of those work at home businesses. I will be inspecting packages and repackaging them in my home. It sounds good in theory, but I hope it is legit. There was no starting cost and they didn't ask for any SSI or credit card numbers so I hope it works out. It sounds like a good deal. My hubby got a position nearby that would make more money than what we are getting now. It isn't much but it'll be sure helpful. So I'm trying to find a way to be able to be a housewife again. I just hope I'm not too bored being at home all the time.
I want to one day open a really great licenced daycare in my home but we will need a lot of repairs to the house in order to get licenced. DCFS doesn't like our fencing and its very expensive to line an acre and a half in privacy fencing. It is a pipe dream right now. But legally I can watch three children at my house without needing to be licenced. The families can still recieve state daycare payments for me watching them, of course I charge them until state begins to pay.

Introduction

So I suppose this is the part where I tell you about myself. My name is Lynn Martin, I am twenty four years old. I hate getting older, I always feel like I am not where I should be in my life. Sure I am married to a wonderful man named Charlie, have a son and am the temporary guardian of a 17year olf named Jared. I have two dogs, a cat and own my own property. So why don't I feel happy about my life? I have a career, degrees and certificates. I always feel like something is missing with my life. Has anyone else felt like that? I had more plans for my life and I don't really feel like I am on track.

Hello

My name is Lynn. A friend told me I should start blogging about my life and feelings, so here goes nothing.